First, please give a brief overview of your family: Â how many children, how old they are etc.
My husband and I have four kids; two by birth (6 and 8)Â and two by adoption (1 and 4).
1. What led you to adoption?
I felt led to adopt since I was a young girl. When the appeals for sponsors for Asian children would come in the mail (this was the early 70’s, in the wake of the Vietnam War — remember Sally Struthers?), I would take the little sticker/stamps with the kids’ pictures and stick them all over the pots and pans, to “remind” my parents of the little brother or sister I wanted them to adopt for me! I eventually resorted to sticking stickers on my headboard, the dog, and my parents’ foreheads, but they never got the hint.Â
When my husband and I were dating, we planned to have a big family. I also told him, “I will be adopting, so don’t marry me unless you are ecstatic about that idea.” He was, and we did, and here we are.
2. What was most helpful in the beginning of your journey?
Our first adoption was an international adoption. The most helpful thing was prob the fact that we didn’t know it would take 3 years!Â
Also, on a more serious note, we researched our choice of agency and chose Holt International. A friend who had lived in several foreign countries told us that Holt was the biggest, oldest, most ethical, most committed to finding homes for the kids in-country as well as through international adoption. In retrospect, and in light of the experiences of some of our dear friends, we feel blessed indeed to have dealt with such a highly ethical and professional agency. We never felt alone or unprepared for any complication, and nothing can really prepare you for the roller-coaster that is the adoption journey.
3. Â What were/are your favorite adoption resources?
My husband is a totally involved, hands-on, wonderful dad. We are each other’s favorite and most indispensible resource. Outside our family, our agency, Holt, was amazing in terms of how the prepared us and kept us informed at all stages of the process. We changed from one country program to another based upon good information that we had from our agency and from a friend who was several months ahead of us in the process. During the process, while we were in-country, and after we brought our daughter home, there was always more help than we needed.
4. Â How did you fund your adoption?
We were blessed to have the funds at the time that we needed them.   My husband and I were in our mid-thirties when we married, and we had each been saving for years for our future family.
(Parenthetically, one of our social workers told us that she wished that more people would consider adopting from the foster system (which is not only free, but the state actually helps the families financially), because there are many toddlers available, and their issues are so similar to those of kids adopted from overseas, and the families don’t have to pay the big costs, travel to another country, or deal with the paperwork and delays.)
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5. Â Why did you choose International/Domestic/Foster?
For our first adoption, we went international, because I felt such a pull in that direction. Also, we were a bit intimidated by the idea of open adoption and we bought into many of the myths/horror stories about open adoption. When we went to India to pick up our 20-month-old daughter, we felt a strong wish to know about her birth family and to thank them. This made us much more open to an open adoption the first time around. Our second adoption, which is an open adoption from birth, has defied all of the stereotypes and horror stories. We were at the hospital for our son’s birth, we keep in touch with some of his birthfamily, and my girls call his birthmother “Miss (her first name) Tummy-mommy.” Â
6. Â Anything you would say to encourage those still on the fence?
You make your plans, and God laughs. Get to know some families formed by adoption, and you will see that love is love and it’s not a big deal in any of the ways you might think it would be.
7. Â Any adjustments/challenges with your child/children
Oh, yeah. Oy! Our daughter was a toddler when we brought her home. She had a very tough time at first. It was over 6 months before she really stopped screaming, clinging to me, and throwing tantrums around the clock. She has now been home almost 3 years, and this past year was the real transition for her. She was strongly bonded to us from the beginning, but she is now less anxious and her issues are more like those of a typical four-year-old.
As for our son, the adjustment was on our part. A year after we brought our daughter home, we went to a seminar for a local agency, just to see what the process was like. We figured that if her adoption had taken three years, the next one would take even longer.   We thought that nobody would pick us. We’re old, we already have 3 kids, etc.  Little did we know that we would be bringing our newborn son home from the hospital less than nine weeks later. His birthmother, who had come into the agency the same week that we showed up at the seminar, was in her third trimester, and she had a very specific wish list that perfectly described us.  The fact that his birthfather came from the same culture as our daughter was a bonus.
As for our son, the adjustment was on our part. A year after we brought our daughter home, we went to a seminar for a local agency, just to see what the process was like. We figured that if her adoption had taken three years, the next one would take even longer.   We thought that nobody would pick us. We’re old, we already have 3 kids, etc.  Little did we know that we would be bringing our newborn son home from the hospital less than nine weeks later. His birthmother, who had come into the agency the same week that we showed up at the seminar, was in her third trimester, and she had a very specific wish list that perfectly described us.  The fact that his birthfather came from the same culture as our daughter was a bonus.
8. Â What was your biggest fear?
My favorite aunt used to tell me that you never even think to worry about the things you really SHOULD worry about, so there’s really no point in worrying at all. She was right. We had very few worries about our first adoption, other than the length of time that it took to bring our baby girl home. If we had known what to worry about, we would have known that our daughter would be very noisy, challenging, and crabby for quite a while before things began to settle down.Â
For our second adoption (the open adoption), I guess that we had the usual Lifetime-Movie concerns that the birth parents will change their minds. But, truly, things happened so fast that we really didn’t have time to worry much.Â
9. Â What has been your greatest blessing?
All of it. I can’t imagine our life without our kids — any of them.Â
One of our fondest memories in life is the Entrustment Ceremony at my infant son’s baptism, where his birthmother (accompanied by members of both sides of his birth family) placed our son in our arms before everyone assembled and thanked us for being his parents. It was a wonderful, public way for us to thank and acknowledge each other.
10. Â Please feel free to touch on or add anything I didn’t address!
With regard to our daughter, I am glad that we were well-prepared for the challenges of a toddler adoption. It is not for the faint of heart, on the child’s part or the parents’. These kiddos suffer losses that you would never wish on anyone, both with the loss of their birth family and then by the abrupt shift to a different family, a different culture, a different everything — at an age when they cannot begin to understand what is going on.
On the other hand, if I had it to do again, I would have stopped reading the adoption books once we got her home and could see that she was attaching to us. I felt, for quite some time, as if every type of discipline was off-limits because she had already been through so much. At some point — and we could have done it sooner — you are going to parent the way you parent, and not proceed with your hands tied, worrying that you are going to traumatize your kid and mess up the bonding if you assert yourself as the parent. Once I got that message (my husand was ahead of me on this one), things went much more smoothly, and she (and the rest of us) are much happier and better off.
One other topic — if you adopt cross-culturally, you should be prepared to have good boundaries and a sense of humor, because strangers will literally shock you with some of their questions, comments, and opinions. Â
p.s. – Here is the current version of the waiting child photolisting from which we found our daughter. Anyone can apply to adopt these kids, although it will take longer if they are not already “in the process” — i.e., homestudy, dossier, what have you.
After looking at hundreds of profiles and several sets of medical records, we both just KNEW when we saw her sweet little face. It was as if she jumped off of the page and said, “Mama!!” My husband, who is much more deliberative than I am, had the same response as I did.
http://www.holtinternational.org/waitingchild/photolisting/
Thank you for sharing your story!
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