Patty and her husband Dave, graciously agreed to answer a few questions. Â I chose to profile their story this week because it’s their son Stan’s adoption anniversary! Â Patty blogs at Reasons for Chocolate, be sure to stop by her blog.
Here are their thoughts…
l. Only through God’s grace did we originally discuss it while engaged. The Holy Spirit definitely was working in our hearts at that important time in our lives. We agreed to take the path that would keep us safe by living our faith,Â
even if it meant hardship. Never once did we realize, at that exact time, our adoption story was beingÂ
set into motion. After enduring heartache and suffering and exhausting the moral avenues of our faith, we discussed it again. We would soon discover that adoption, though growing steadilyÂ
in our hearts, would be postponed temporarily We were blessed with three biological children. Having struggledÂ
with carrying children full term, complications from my pregnancies and wanting to grow our family, we turned to adoption a third time. And God’s original plan for us unfolded.Â
2. Knowing others who had taken that journey helped us tremendously. They had so many answers to our questions and witnessing their own journeys was a gift to us. We also dove into as many other resourcesÂ
that we could find. The internet and online support groups helped bridge so many gaps.
3. My favorite adoption resources were the support groups, particularly those geared toward the same internationalÂ
adoption. There was also the terrific online classes that we took in preparation for our life as parents of anÂ
adopted child. These classes were brought to us via our caseworker, but I believe are available for all prospectiveÂ
adoptive parents.Â
4. I will be quite honest when I say that the funding for us came from a very successful business year. The money was set aside due to inability to decide where to invest wisely for “retirement”. When we discussedÂ
adoption, we both immediately knew where that “retirement” was going. We never flinched or had secondÂ
thoughts. God brought us to that exact moment, that exact conversation. We had never been more in tune than that evening when we discussed the journey we were to embark on.
5. We adopted while living in a state that had too many near -adoptions go wrong. At that time, we witnessedÂ
the devastation and heartache that the adopted parents-to-be faced or came close to facing. Having other youngÂ
and vulnerable children at home, we knew that we would not put them through that possible loss. We wouldÂ
not have them fall in love with a sibling to have the sibling taken away. For us, we went through the internationalÂ
system and used a country that was stable and consistent.
6. For those who are still undecided. I would suggest that you and your spouse should first see if this is your calling; God’s plan for you. Use the resources available to investigate and research. Fill yourself with knowledgeÂ
before making a decision. Never make your decision out of ignorance. And that goes for saying yes to adoptionÂ
as well as no. For it isn’t a dreamy fairy tale. All good things, all right things take work. Most importantly, talk to those who have been there, who have walked in your shoes. They have so many answers to your questions and relief for your concerns.Â
7. One big misconception is that babies who are adopted at a young age adjust justÂ
fine…because “they don’t remember.” That is simply not true. Babies who have suffered trauma through the loss of a birthparent, then a “temporary” nursery staff member, again by a foster parent or two, and then are in your arms…their natural bond has never been given the chance to foster natural growth and development.Â
In simplest terms, the next order of sequence was never there. They could not connect the dots. Our son was six months old when we brought him home. There had been enough loss in his life that we had bonding issuesÂ
immediately. Our classes prepared us for this. We expected it. A pattem had developed with time Iwas ableÂ
to look back every three months and visibly see the connections that were made giving him the neededÂ
love, comfort, and trust. I would say that we were near complete after having him home for l2 months.Â
He attached to his mother first. To be honest, he was looking for one personÂ
to feel “safe” with. I was the one he was with the most, so I was the one he attached to. At times, my husbandÂ
did feel bad. It took six long months and me being out of town for a few days with my dying father, for our son to “connect” with my husband.Â
When I mentioned that the classes “prepared” us. Well, nothing ever completely prepares you for Iife’s major changes. You see, we knew all about our son. He didn’t know anything about us We had the time to f’all in loveÂ
with him. He didn’t love us, he didn’t even know us We smelled differently. We sounded very strange. We were not his foster mother and father We were just strangers who came and took him away from the only “safe” thing he knew for the moment. He truly mourned that first week. His inconsolable crying was heart wrenching. When I triedÂ
to hold him, it made it worse. We were nevet truly prepared to be rejected. We would lie in bed, thinkingÂ
that we made a mistake. But, by being honest with each other, we knew that we were meant to be his parents. Together, through tears, frustration, joy. love, and awe, we have grown into the family that we are.Â
8. Our biggest fear was that, and still is, he will grow up resenting us due to any pain he feels for being given up for adoption by his birthmother or being taken out of his homeland. Oh, I know we showerÂ
him with love. But these children are, for whatever reason, unable to be provided for by their birthparents.  There is a pain that they will carry for life.
9. The blessings are endless. The chance to raise this child to know, love and serve the Lord is suchÂ
a tremendous gift. Having this child bring his whole self and everything that makes him who he is, mixing it into our genetics, just makes our family so much more than what it was. Knowing he now loves us. ..wow!Â
10. Be prepared for the words, both innocent and tacky. Words can hurt and harm not just you but your adopted child as well Through research, I found different ways to deal with these inevitable interactions.Â
I learned that the most important thing your child hears is what comes out of your mouth in responseÂ
to certain things and how you say it. I’ve learned to comment in a way that reinforces to our son thatÂ
he IS part o four family.Â
11 . We chose South Korea because their program fit our family. We learned that they took part in the original international adoption after the Korean War and that the program was not only the oldest,Â
but very stablc.Â
Very transparent. We had decided against traveling with our other children because of cost and we felt the needÂ
to use that precious time to start bonding with our son. Each family, of course, should always decide what is bestÂ
for them when there are other children involved.Â
12. If l had a choice to travel or use an escort I would choose travel hands down. We were able to live and breatheÂ
our child’s homeland/culture. We took pictures, videos, and even ate with his foster parents in the apartmentÂ
they shared with our son. We witnessed how they loved and adored him. We were able to thank them in person. I would do anything in my power for at leastÂ
one parent to travel.Â
Patty & Dave, thanks for sharing your story!
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